Announcing Garnet, A Pure Non-Functional Language


04/01/2013

April 1, 2013

There’s nothing as thrilling as announcing a new programming language: a new hammer for all the professional nails you might encounter. And this is possibly the most efficient, most effective programming language ever designed: Garnet.

Garnet is the first Pure Non-Functional language. According to Andy Hunt, the secret to it’s breathtaking efficiency is that “it doesn’t do a damn thing.”

Forecasts are optimistic that this new technology will save corporations billions of dollars that would otherwise have been waster on floundering projects using conventional technologies such as Ruby on Rails, PHP, and the abacus.

“To develop this, we looked at the really hard sciences—seriously hard problems from cryptozoology, astrology, numerology and that head bump thing,” reports Mr. Hunt.

Why “Garnet” as the name? “We wanted a name for something that was harder than Ruby, because, you know, that’s impressive.” When it was pointed out that ruby is actually harder than garnet on the Mohs mineral hardness scale, Mr. Hunt replied “Whatever. The point is, this is the perfect evolution of declarative style programming.”

“To program a system in Garnet, you simply declare what you want, and it will fail to deliver. It’s a lot like Prolog, but with less logic to go wrong.”

User reaction has been uniformly positive. “It’s a huge time saver,” said Fred. “Usually, we have to spend months and months writing code that fails to deliver. Garnet gets us there right away. It’s perfect.”

Andy Hunt
The Pragmatic Programmers
PragProg.com


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