Sweet Revenge on Telemarketers

09/28/2004

The federal “Do Not Call” list has significantly reduced the number of annoying telemarketer calls that I get, but it hasn’t eliminated them all. There are a number of loopholes, chief of which is that my business phone numbers are not subject to the federal restrictions at all.

But a neighbor of mine shared a great technique with me the other day. It goes like this:

Sleazy telemarketer calls up, oozing fake charm and says, “Hey Mr. Hunt, how are you today? This is Clarence from the brokerage firm of Dewey, Cheatem, and Howe, and I’d like to tell you about some of our fantastic stock opportunities.”

You then answer in an abnormally loud, somewhat deranged voice: “I LIKE CHEESE.“

Stunned silence. Usually they just hang up, convinced they dialed the asylum by mistake. If they do continue to talk, just repeat “I LIKE CHEESE”, a few times, a little louder each time.

One fellow called up take a survey of financial products. I delivered the line, and after a beat this persistent fellow ventured “I’m sorry sir, but this survey is about banking services, not dairy products.”

“I LIKE CHEESE!“

“Well, we don’t have any cheese today, sir. If we DO have cheese in the future may I call you back?” I had to admire his tenacity at this point.

“OKAY”, I said, still in a loud, somewhat deranged voice. I could hear him cracking up as he hung up the phone.

For the few callers that made it this far, you can always hit them with the ultimate question:

“DO YOU LIKE CHEESE TOO??